The Same Coin
by Too Many Hats
Summary: Please, please read the inside summary. Here's a hook anyway though.  Naruto, at the Battle at the Valley of the End, has died. He's being replaced with Minato and the Kyuubi, torn from the Shinigami's belly. WHAT WACKINESS WILL ENSUE?
1. Prologue

The Same Coin

Chapter 1: Prologue

Disclaimer: If elected mayor, my first act will be to kill the lot of you, and burn your town to cinders!

"Houston, this is a human speaking."

**"Damnit you retarded fuck, I'm not one of you monkey bitches! I'm a motherfucking DEMON!"**

'Wow, this guy's really mad that I thought he was a human like me, with my human thinking and such!'

'**If I could reach him, I think I'd go for the legs- no, the arms- no, that's wrong too. I know, I'd skin him! That'd be good for a few giggles.**'

Hullaballoo, and howdy-doo! I've been pretty inactive on this site for a long time, but I was going through changes, and school, and a bunch of other bullshit that I don't need to justify to you. Instead, a brief overview of this story thing.  
1. I'm making this up as I go.  
2. The fourth wall only exists for the characters themselves.  
3. I have no story planned out for this, I came up with an idea and I'm running with it.  
4. If I don't update for a long time, I'm busy or uninspired or something. Send me a message telling me to get back on my ass and type.  
5. If I'm not gonna continue the story (what little of it there is at the time of writing), I'll tell you.  
6. I'm sarcastic and witty. Shut up.

**_BEGINNING OF CHAPTER_**

The Yondaime Hokage awoke, standing, bleary-eyed in a horizon-less gray plain. Looking down at himself, his eyes were greeted by a white, feature-less glowing apparition of his bodily form. "OH NO I'M A GHOST!"

"**You're not a ghost. And fuck you."** a gravelly, deep voice rumbled from behind.

"Who are you? What do you mean I'm not a ghost; I'm all ghosty and white and stuff!" Minato's voice echoed in the emptiness, showing just how much more this place was made for drama than, say, the laws of audiodynamics or some other such technobabble.

This second voice came from a figure as absolutely black as Minato was positively white. **"My name's Raem, and being a ghost means that you're still tied to your world, which you're not. Your next question would be 'Where are we?'. The answer will be revealed in time, just as soon as I find out. And fuck you."**

"Why do you keep saying that? It's mean!" Minato wasn't too bright; he was made Hokage because he was extremely pretty and all of the female council members voted for him, because otherwise the obvious choice would have been made, and Orochimaru would have been made Hokage, and one thousand years of peace and prosperity would have reigned. Oh well.

"**I say fuck you because I hate you, and I'll keep hating you until you un-re-seal me. You're not gonna do that, so fuck you."**

"_**Sup y'all bitches, how's tricks?"**_ This newest character was fully visible, and he scared the bejeezus out of Minato. **_"I got you dicksticks in mah bellay, 'cause I'm the Shinigami!"_**

"Wow, you don't seem like the Shinigami would be like..." See? Not smart at all.

The Shinigami turned to Raem. _**"This dude serious?"**_ Raem nodded his pitch black head in mock sadness. The Shinigami looked back at Minato and stared with narrowed eyes for several seconds. _**"...LIGHTNING!"**_

"!" Minato screamed in unimaginable suffering as his very soul was scorched and electrocuted by the Shinigami's lightning.

"_**Quit'cher bitchin' and listen up. Y'know yer kid, the one you sealed dark-and-scary into? Yeah he got his ass killed by some emo douche in a canyon. So I'm gonna make you"**_ he pointed a finger at Minato, sending another errant lightning bolt into him, **_"like, twelve again and replace his dead ass with you. I'm also gonna combine you with the fox, 'cause I can't think of another way to get you two out of me without the other gods asking questions. Ya dig?"_**

"**Fuck, can't I stay here?"**

"_**Balls no. ...There, I did it. Now get the hell out, I got some hot goddesses comin' over and they want some Shinigami Scythe!"**_ Sure enough, the white and black fused, and disappeared. However, it didn't happen quite the way it was supposed to... **_"Well shit, too late to worry about it now. Where's the chips in this place?"_**

**_END OF CHAPTER  
_**

Well, there you have it.


	2. Uzumaki NotQuiteNaruto

The Same Coin

Chapter 2: Uzumaki Not-Quite-Naruto

"Do you need me to explain that this is talking?"

"**What about that this is a demon talking?"**

"_I sure do hope people figure out that this is thinking."_

_**"****By my powers of deduction, I have discovered that this is a demon thinking!"**_

OHMYGODIT'SSTARTING

"Naruto, you're okay!" Kakashi shouted, landing next to his blonde student. "Where's Sasuke?"

Naruto stood, brushed off his pants, and addressed Kakashi. "Fuck if I know. Fucker tried to make me a human glove and ran his gay ass off into the forest, never to be seen again."

Kakashi blinked, but shrugged it away. Obviously, Naruto was so upset about Sasuke's betrayal that his very essence had been altered into that of a cynical, swearing asshole! Kakashi's heart broke for his only remaining semi-useful student. "Don't worry, Naruto! I'm sure we can find-"

"Never to be fuckin' seen again. Searching for him now would only, uh, be in vain. Also, I'm fuckin' hurt. Oh, the pain! I, uh, think I need immediate medical attention." Naruto turned his head and coughed into his hand several times.

"Naruto, you're fine," Kakashi said. "But if you really believe Sasuke to be lost, I suppose we might as well go back."

JESUSCHRISTIT'SAFUCKINGSCENEBREAK

Sakura stood at the village gate, patiently awaiting the imminent arrival of her one true love, Uchiha Sasuke. She imagine how he would look, holding up their teammate, Naruto. Naruto would convince him to return to her after Sasuke had beaten him within an inch of his life, and Sasuke would see how much he loved her and carry Naruto back with him because he's such a wonderful person!

Alas, 'twas not meant to be.

Her heart sank as Naruto and Kakashi sauntered up to the gate, her love nowhere to be found. "NARUTO!" she screamed, swinging her fist at him. It didn't connect, but that wasn't enough to shock her out of her fury. "WHERE IS-" Then, a crack. Sakura had been cut off when Naruto's fist lodged itself firmly into her face, breaking her nose and possibly a few teeth. She tasted blood. Definitely a few teeth.

"What was that? I couldn't hear you over the sound of me destroying your face. Anyway, faggot-face ran his pussy ass into the woods, never to be seen again. Before he left, he told me something though. A message for you!" Naruto coughed, and spoke in Sasuke's voice. "Tell Sakura that I hate her, and I hope she gets killed in the most painful and humiliating way possible."

Tears welled in Sakura's eyes and fell, mixing with the blood from her nose and mouth, dripping from her disfigured face freely. "Doh," she cried, unable to form the word 'No' with her mouth in such a state. "Doh! Doh, doh, DOH DOH DOH!" Sakura shrieked, running from her teammates, sobbing in shame and despair.

"Naruto..." Kakashi whispered in shock, "did Sasuke actually say that?" Kakashi thought he knew his raven-haired student, but with his defecting and Naruto's sudden changes, he wasn't sure what to think anymore.

"Hm? Yeah, he totally said that. Didn't you know how much Sasuke fuckin' hated her? It was pretty goddamn obvious, man. As soon as he wasn't required to be near her, he got the fuck out. I think he might have left just to get away from her, actually." Naruto stroked his chin in thought. "I mean, he got so much goddamn training here it was retarded, so that couldn't have been why he left. What does Orochimaru have that we don't? Fucker's got nothin'. At first I thought it might have been my fault, but then he said how much he hated Sakura and the dots connected. They made a sailboat!"

As Naruto left his sensei to return home, a conversation went on in his head.

"_Sasuke didn't say that! Why are you being so mean, Raem?"_

"_**My name's not Raem, dipshit. I lied, 'cause fuck you."**_

"_Well I don't approve of you destroying my dead son's reputation, whoever you are. Why are you in charge, anyway?"_

"_**I flipped a coin, and I won the coin toss. Since we're both in here though, I'll give you the title of Executive Idiot. Your new job is to make stupid fuckin' suggestions for me to ignore and call you an idiot for. Fuckin' idiot."**_

"_Stop using language like that around my little boy, mysterious stranger!"_

"_**One, your kid's dead and I'm controlling his body. Two, my goddamn name's Kurama, so if I hear you call me mysterious stranger again I'm gonna flip a bitch. Three, your goddamn stupid ass motherfucking semen-spawn is FUCKING DEAD YOU DUMB CUNT."**_

OHMANTHISCHAPTER'SOVERTHATWASALOTOFSWEARING

There. Got bored, wrote for a while, cursed a lot. End result: COMEDY?


End file.
